When she left, it was like someone had ripped my heart out, crumbled it up like a flimsy piece of loose leaf paper and crammed it back into my chest. It somehow managed to work, but it would never, ever feel the same.
Blank. Dark. Numb. The excruciating pain seems to engulf all your senses. Not only your senses, your body, mind and even the soul seem to reel under pain. It is the breakup that is responsible for so much distress in your life. The worst part of it is that you are lost in a maze of hurt, confusion and bitterness. There seems to be no end to this dark tunnel through which you are passing right now. What do you do?
Breakup – a saga of pain and humiliation
At some point, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life.
A breakup or divorce is the worst thing that can happen to someone. It can leave a person devastated, heartbroken and even physically ill. Some people are even reported to get into depression after a breakup. Often humiliation is associated with a breakup which makes it hard to bear. However, we want to tell you that termination of a relationship should never mean the end of the world to anyone.
Yes, no matter how bad you feel about it today, you need to tell yourself that this too shall pass. A divorce can never spell the end of life for you, so have faith, hold on to hope and let us see how you can reclaim your life after a breakup.
We know you are on a difficult journey that tests your patience and endurance at every level. We want to tell you that we are with you in this voyage with all our good wishes and love and affection. Since you feel confused and lonely while coping with the loss of the relationship, we would make it easier for you to get back into life with our suggestions, advice, and experience.
After a breakup – when pain and confusion takes over
I still wake with your name on my lips every morning.
The period immediately after a breakup is fraught with agony, humiliation, and turmoil. If it is sudden and unexpected, it acts as a blow that is difficult to handle. While you reel under the pain, a series of self-opposing thoughts go through your mind that increases the hurt. The first question that appears in your head is ‘Why me?” It is difficult to answer this question as every situation is different and you can find the answer only after the storm settles down. We will come to that later.
The next thing that would come to your mind is getting back your ex. Most people are not ready to accept the breakup and hope that their exes would realize their mistake and come back to them. Immediately after a breakup most people get into a fit of rage or desperation and try to contact their exes to get them back. Texting, calling incessantly and crying and pleading are the most common things that people do in the few fast days post breakup.
Usually these things do not work and we would ask you to not resort to them. If your partner is angry at you, this would further enrage him or her and make matters worse. Even if you want them back in your life, you need to first calm down and find out a way to reach out to them. Be patient, let the anger subside and then initiate conversation with your ex.
Here is something I want you to think hard and decide. Do you really want to get your ex back in your life? Is the relationship worth saving? Try to reconcile with your ex only if you are sure about your happiness. Do not compromise with your self-esteem as that would make you unhappy in the long run.
Never lose yourself while trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about losing you.
Coping with a breakup – immediate things that you need to do
I know my heart will never be the same, but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay
We want to segregate the time after break up into short term and long term. In the short term you have to try to cope with the breakup while in the long term you should learn to get along with life and find happiness again.
Don’t keep things to yourself
We know you are feeling terrible and want to get back with your former partner. We would suggest you to not keep things to yourself but talk to someone you are comfortable with. It could be your best friend, sibling or any relative but someone to whom you can speak your heart out and cry. If you have a gang of friends, ask them to come over and be with you.
Cry, and get it out
Crying is good as it helps us to grieve and heal quickly. Do not hold yourself back but let the emotions and tears flow. As you speak about your loss you would feel better and the confusion over why and how the breakup happened would get clear.
Remove the things that remind you of your ex
It could be the wallpaper from your phone or laptop, a photo on the center table or a song that you both loved to listen together. By removing these things from your immediate environment, you would give yourself a scope to get over the breakup and feel better.
Catch some fresh air
We know that you feel like remaining holed up in your home and avoid meeting anyone. However, staying alone would not help you. So, go out and catch some fresh air and sunlight. Take a walk down the park, go grocery shopping or ask your friend for a cup of coffee in the neighborhood café. Please avoid the café that you used to frequent with your former partner. But choose a different place where the atmosphere would be light and help you unwind.
Refrain from your partner in social media – you get an uncontrollable urge to see what your ex has posted on Facebook or Twitter. Is there any hint that he or she is missing you? Is your hunch right about your ex dating someone? Control this urge. Following your ex’s posts in social media would not help you in any way.
On the other hand, it would only increase your pain and suffering. It would also increase the urge to contact again. So, control yourself. No matter how strong the urge is, do not log on to FB. Try to keep yourself busy with other things like listening to music, watching movies or simply go out with your friends.
There are an overwhelming number of people, around 64% men and 74% female who follow their exes on the internet and keep a tab on the things they are doing. This prevents them from getting over the relationship and increases their suffering. Do not fall for it. Just bid goodbye.
We know that things like eating and sleeping take a backseat when you are going through a separation but surviving on pizza and aerated drinks won’t do you any good. Of course, it may not be possible for you to prepare elaborate meals for yourself but you should try to eat healthy.
Juices can be prepared in no time. You can always munch on fruits whenever you feel hungry. Prepare salads if you feel lethargic. Even soups can be prepared very quickly. Having healthy foods like dry fruits and fruits would keep your mood swings under control which is required during this time.
Go for walks if you feel too tired to exercise. Deep breathing when you feel overwhelmed by the pain would also help you to get control over your feelings.
It is difficult to find motivation to exercise when we are sad but remember, that when you workout, good hormones are released by the brain which makes us feel better. So, please go for some physical activity like dancing, cycling, walking or playing your favorite sport to make yourself feel better. Ask your friends for help and make a group to play or exercise together. This would keep your motivation high and help you to get back into life.
Now this is again something that people who are going through separation or divorce seldom do. Long sleepless nights spent remembering the good old days and crying and feeling miserable is so common. And then next morning you feel more miserable and lonely.
Stop falling in this trap by eating early, and going to bed early too. Do not drink but read books or listen to music before hitting the sack. If you are well-fed and well-slept, you are definitely going to feel better and that would help in coping with the separation.
If you follow these tips immediately after the separation or divorce, chances are, things would look brighter. Keep on telling yourself that you are going to be okay, that you are going to come out of it stronger, happier and more matured.
It’s never over till it’s really over in your mind…
Reclaiming your life after breakup – start living slowly and steadily
What defines us is how well we rise after falling.
Its take some time to get over a breakup. For some, it may take months and for some years. Even years after a divorce some people are found bleeding and hurting within. However, life doesn’t stop. We need to carry on with a brave face. Tell yourself that you are going to be okay. Tell yourself that you would again find sunshine in life.
Embrace the truth – I have seen many people deny the truth to themselves. They keep on believing that nothing has gone wrong and hope that their exes would return to them. Your ex may come back to you but not if you plead or show them how miserable you are without them. Just remember that you can patch up the relationship only if you are confident, find the loopholes and are ready to mend them together.
So, learn to embrace the truth. Your partner is no longer with you and that is okay. It happens in life and doesn’t mean that everything is over for you. Keep faith on time and life and rest assured that happiness would knock your door one day again.
Learn to accept yourself
Have you found out what went wrong in the relationship? Did you commit any mistake? No need to grieve over what you cannot redo. You listened to your heart and did what you felt right at the moment. If now you realize that it was wrong, take the lesson from it and promise yourself to not make the same mistake again. Stop feeling guilty but say sorry to yourself and close the chapter.
Everything that happens in life is for some reason. It could be to teach us something too so learn your own lesson and do not repeat the mistake. That’s the rule of moving ahead in life.
Stop fighting with yourself – even after months, you may feel conflicting emotions like sadness, frustration, confusion and exhaustion. These feelings can be very intense and consume you totally and make you feel drained out. Don’t deny them. Feel them. Accept them. If you find them too hard to handle, put them into words.
Journaling is an effective way to understand your feelings and accept them. Whenever you feel any particular emotion, write it down. This way you would find a pattern to your own feelings and learn to accept them.
We want to reiterate that there is no need to fight with yourself. Learn to accept yourself with all your vulnerabilities and love yourself in spite of them.
Take a break
This is necessary to give a fresh start to your life. Did you ever dream of visiting any place? Now is the time to pamper yourself. Go on a vacation with your friends or alone and enjoy yourself. Soak in the atmosphere of the new place and let your wounds heal.
Did you want to learn salsa? Why don’t you get enrolled now? You can realize a long forgotten dream and give yourself a new goal to achieve. In fact, this would give you an opportunity to mix with people and make a few friends.
Always remember that “No one can save me but myself.” So try your best to be your best.
From negative to positive
See your life from a new perspective. Everything about breakup or divorce is not bad. As a husband, and wife if you have been fighting a lot and there no love and feeling left for each other, it is better to get separated. If you have children, it is not good for them to find their parents always fighting with each other. Even when staying apart, you can take care of them and be good parents.
Breakups can be sad, but sometimes tears are the price we pay for a freedom we need.
If your partner has been cheating on you, the breakup can save you from further humiliation. You deserve better and rest assured that soon you would find true love in your life. Gratitude – feel happy for all the things you have in life
You have a job, a home to call your own, loving friends and parents who dote on you. You are blessed with intelligence and good health too. Don’t you feel lucky when you compare yourself with the less privileged ones? If you start counting your blessings, you would be amazed to know how lucky you are. So, whenever you feel down think of all the good things in life you would feel better about yourself.
Journaling can also help you in this regard. Every day spend five minutes writing in your journal about the things you are thankful for. Slowly, you would find more things get added to the list and you would feel happy and contented with whatever you have. You would feel more peaceful too.
Start reconnecting to life
There’s always a moment that separates the past from the future, and that moment is now.
Life is a gift that you have got from god and in no way you should waste it. Here is the moment to reclaim your life. When a relationship ends in a divorce or breakup, a lot of emotional baggage is created. Try to get rid of this baggage slowly as you move ahead in life. Take care of the thoughts that get generated in your mind and start replacing the negative ones with positive thoughts, take care of your body and mind, go for vacations, start meditation and if possible try to help people in distress. Knowing the sufferings of others will always reduce your own.
Do whatever you feel right. Act silly, party hard, laugh and dance like there is no tomorrow. Live life so that life itself smiles back at you and holds your hand and lead you to happiness and love. If ever the thought of the separation tortures you, remind yourself, With every good-bye you learn.